The Wonderous Dating Game Read online

  Suddenly, all hell broke loose. Many things happened in quick succession that created a massive mess, which embarrassed me, and only God knows what it did to the others in the dining room.

  Belatedly, I knew my method to gain a slice of bread was a disaster that wasn’t planned, as well as I had first thought. Hindsight showed me the mechanics of the plot was flawed from the time I decided to lift the serving plate. The bread and large knife sat precariously on the edge of the heavier end of the board, facing away from me. I intended to lift it up and over the goblet of wine, but I was ignorant of the location of my elbow.

  If I’d thought clearly about the strategy, I wouldn’t have twisted the board that caused the knife to fall to the table with a clatter, triggered a multitude of reactions, and proved that for every action, there is a like and equal reaction. I wasn’t aware that I was proving a scientific theory when all I wanted was a mouth-watering piece of bread and honey butter.

  Time stood still, or so I thought as I sat with a tight grip on the handle of the breadboard, minus the knife. My eyes widened in surprise as I helplessly watched as hell broke out all over.

  To my horror, the accident was destined to occur, no matter what I did to stop in mid-action. Due to my shock of the knife clattering to the table, I jumped back into my chair, the breadboard still held in a death grip, which obviously caused my arm to jerk in the same direction as my body since they are attached. My elbow, the clumsy thing that it is, knocked over my glass of Merlot, creating a domino effect as it bumped into Zac’s glass. Is this another scientific action being proven, the Domino effect?

  I watched powerlessly as both glasses rolled toward the edge of the table, impressed for a moment that they hadn’t shattered on impact. Wine splashed, stealing the white tablecloth’s purity, as the all but empty glasses rolled nearer their destination. I couldn’t get the impression of someone being murdered at our table from my mind, with me holding the only evidence in my hand.

  As the clear crystal rolled nearer and nearer the edge, I held my breath, as I thought, well hoped, the glasses appeared to be slowing their race and wouldn’t commit suicide like a pair of love crazed Lemmings. Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be. Both purged their remaining crimson liquid onto Zac’s crotch and just sat on his lap like it was the most natural thing to do.

  Zac yelled his surprise with a higher-pitched sound than I’d expected him to make as he pushed his chair back. I dropped the breadboard onto the table, not worried about personal needs, and grabbed the nearest white cloth napkin as I let out my breath and sucked in a chest full of fresh oxygen; until that second, I had no idea that I’d been holding my breath.

  The wooden board hit my fork as it landed, flipping the silvery utensil into the air so that it soared across the room where it narrowly missed another patron, good thing they turned to look behind them as I hear forks tend to be sharp. The flying fork landed on the couple’s table with a clatter, the woman glared at me as if I’d rehearsed the entire endeavor before arriving at the restaurant just to piss her off.

  Without thinking, I quickly rose from my chair, making it slide against the fireplace with a thud. The napkin that I’d retrieved moments before was pinched between my index finger and thumb of my right hand.

  I did mention before that I’m a mom, didn’t I? Well, for some reason, I went into mom-mode and bent at the waist, removed the now empty glasses with my left hand, and went to work, frantically sopping up the wine with the no longer pristine, white napkin. I was in the zone as I feverishly dabbed away the delightfully smelling Merlot from Zac’s crotch.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m so clumsy,” I consoled or confessed or both.

  I was mortified with the mess I’d created, but that didn’t deter me from doing my best to get poor Zac cleaned up, all the while, hoping that I impressed him. Dammit, I was responsible for his current state, and I was determined to make amends for my actions. At least I didn’t spit on the napkin and rub his face to clean off anything that may be hiding there.

  “It’s good that you have dark pants on,” I said, glancing up at him without registering the look of abject horror printed on his face. “The stain won’t show so much, but if you wear Tighty-Whities, they’ll have a lovely purple tint even after you wash them. Thankfully, no one will see them unless you run around the gym in them. I’ve heard that soda water helps get out the wine stain. I've never had to use it, but I’ve heard it works well.”

  I dipped the napkin in my glass of ice water and continued to rub the napkin along the wet spot on Zac’s pants. I turned my gaze toward Jenny and John watching me with huge smiles and wide eyes filled with delight as I continued to rub their friend’s crotch. I found it strange the way they grinned; in fact, it was quite confusing. Seriously, why wasn’t Jenny helping me instead of sitting there with that silly grin?

  I wish I had a time machine during these chaotic moments in my life. Because the moment I felt a noticeable change in Zac’s crotch, I would’ve set it back so that I wouldn’t have had to look at what I was feeling beneath the fabric of his pants and his erection bulging against it and the napkin I had used to sop up the wine. And then, to make matters more intense, the bulge twitched as though it were threatening to escape his pants.

  “Eek!” I shrieked and quickly yanked my hand back.

  My hand shook as it retreated, flipping the stained napkin side-to-side. I sucked in a great gulp of air, feeling my cheeks warm with the embarrassment that erupted inside me. Even though I’d stopped rubbing at the stain, it was too late. My eyes widened as I saw the bulge was long. I was very aware I’d felt the hardness of the appendage before I pulled away the wine, soaked cloth.

  I stood up straight, stuffing the napkin into Zac’s hand, wishing nothing more at that moment than for the floor to open and swallow me or maybe, a zombie would eat my head. I just wanted the self-inflicted humiliation to go away.

  My gaze darted to the patrons sharing the space with me, then landed on Jenny and John, who were laughing with the other guests. The bright side, and thank God for that, no one choked on their food. Although, I would’ve appreciated it greatly if they’d stopped laughing at the seriously embarrassing moment.

  I became mortified by the joyous sound and lowered my head, feeling the warmth and not good warmth spread from my neck to the top my head. I must have looked like a strawberry there for a moment as I knew I had to be bright red.

  I wanted to run, but my feet froze in place. I desperately searched for the nearest exit to escape from the mess of my making, though I couldn’t move even if I tried. Then I moved backwards until my legs felt the edge of the chair and perched on the cushion.

  I should clarify, I wasn’t just embarrassed for myself, but for Zac, too. I’d caused him to have an erection in a public place. Then out of the blue, I wondered if anyone in the room had seen such a display before this occasion, because, to my best recollection, I’d not done anything like this in my entire life and pray I never repeat the action, at least without benefit of a ring. Hell, I would settle for a kiss.

  Michael rushed to our table with a wet cloth to clean the mess I’d made. He stopped and looked at what was happening as a result of the spill; I saw him struggling to maintain an attitude of professionalism but losing the battle.

  “You might want to go to the bathroom to finish what I began,” I suggested to Zac.

  John roared with laughter, and Jenny laughed out loud as she covered her mouth. The waiter held his hand over his mouth as his shoulders shook with silent glee. Zac stood, looking toward him for help.

  The waiter pointed toward the right of our table and handed Zac the wet cloth he held in his hand as Michael said, “This might help.”

  Zac rushed toward the Men’s Room.

  For whatever reason, I couldn’t keep myself from continuing to act like a doting mother and jumped out of my chair, chasing Zac, and shrilly called out, “Please! Let me help you!”

  Somehow, in my manic desire to help Zac, I cau
ght a glimpse of Michael escaping through an opening in the wall near the restrooms, laughing uncontrollably. Though the laughter in the dining room came to a crescendo, echoing around me. Why had everyone become involved in our business?

  Then I froze, staring at the men’s room door as I realized that I’d basically demanded to finish him off, give him a happy ending, I guess you could say. What was I thinking? But I just wanted to fix what I’d done.

  When Jenny caught up with me as I fixated on the bathroom door, she continued to strenuously laugh at my peril. She couldn’t speak, but somehow, she knew that I intended to enter the men’s room, and she grabbed my hand, yanking it hard to pull me toward the woman’s room.

  “I think Zac can finish on his own, he just needs some privacy,” Jenny said finally through bursts of laughter as she pushed open the bathroom door and forcibly guided me inside.

  I was tempted to smack her. Nothing was funny about what had occurred. I ruined his pants, and I needed to make things right.

  “I can’t believe you gave him a hardon,” Jenny continued as the mirth quieted in her, though the sound of her voice told me that it could erupt again at any moment. “You have the magic touch. I wouldn’t have thought to use Merlot on the outside of the body as a stimulant for sex. John and I’ll have to work that into our foreplay.”

  “Jenny, this isn’t funny,” I said with a glare. “I didn’t mean to arouse him. I just was so embarrassed that I messed up a perfectly good glass of Merlot and his pants. What am I going to do?” I crossed my arms over my chest with a defiant pout. “What is the point of men taking a cold shower? I thought it was to tame their desires. You would think ice water would’ve prevented his erection.”

  Jenny had another fit of laughter, and when it subsided enough for her to speak coherently, she said, “I don’t think you can beat what you did tonight. I don’t think you’ll need to do anything else to help the situation, ever. I think Zac owes you at least roses, maybe a big box of chocolates and maybe a nice soft, passionate kiss. I bet he didn’t think a blind date could be so good for him and for everyone who saw the drama playing out at our table.”

  Tears were flowing down her face as she laughed. I stood with my arms folded over my chest, tapping my foot as the anger bubbled up inside me.

  “I wish you would take this seriously,” I demanded. “It isn’t funny in the least bit, you know.”

  “Well, at least you’ll be assured of another date to finish the job you began. Hopefully, you won’t be in public when you seduce him again,” Jenny said.

  She sputtered and began to laugh again.

  “Did you wear your G-string and pasties?” she asks, realizing something that I’d said earlier.

  “Stop being such a pain in the ass!” I yelled. “Of course, I didn’t wear anything but panties and a bra. Shit, you know what I mean. I was only joking when I said I would wear those things.” My lower lip quivered. “I’m so embarrassed. I don’t want to go out to the dining room. Everyone saw what was happening at our table, and they were laughing at me.”

  I hung my head. “You and John didn’t help any by laughing at me. Go tell Zac I’m going home. Thank him for me.”

  I cringed because it was inappropriate to thank him for something I did. Oh, God, now I’m thinking he needs to thank me for arousing him in public.

  “No, don’t tell him anything. I’ll go out the side door and pray the world comes to an end.” I stomped toward the door and stopped. “Oh, hell, I dropped my purse on the floor by my chair, and my keys are in it. Now, I have to go to the table to be able to leave with my dignity intact.” I turned back toward Jenny, my eyes wide. “Will you go and get my purse?”

  Jenny’s laughter increased with each word that uttered from my mouth; she couldn’t answer my question. She took me by the hand and led me out of the bathroom. We walked right into Zac, who was waiting for us to come out of the bathroom.

  This didn’t help the situation, oh, no, not at all. The man I’d aroused had waited for me. It was just too much for me to handle all in one night.

  He smiled. “That was different. Let’s go eat. It’s OK. Everything turned out just fine. I’m glad I have on dark pants, as you pointed out earlier. No one will know my pants are wet and think I peed.”

  Jenny bent over with laughter again. “I guess it was good for you. Do you need a cigarette?”

  I smacked Jenny on the arm and narrowed my eyes and mouthed, “Shut up.”

  Zac winked at me and shook his head at Jenny as he gently took my elbow and led me to the table. Jenny continued having fits of laughter and staggered across the dining room to our table.

  As we enter the dining room, the cheers and whistles filled the room. I bent over at the waist in a mock bow, and then quickly walked to the table.

  Why did I do that?

  Zac, again, held the chair for me, I noticed he was smiling broadly. He brushed my cheek with his fingers before he sat down in his chair, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. His lips lightly touched my ear as he whispered, “Smile, it’s good.”

  He stood upright, walked to his chair, and sat down. “Let’s eat. I’m starved.”

  Michael came with our meal, and I noticed he’d change the tablecloth and had added new cutlery wrapped in a fresh white napkin, while we were absent. Fresh bread and new glasses of Merlot for Zac and me were also on the table.

  I observed Michael was careful to place the glasses away from the edge of the table to prevent me from spilling again. Everyone thinks they are a comedian.

  I don’t know if what happened meant I made a good impression or not. But I made an impact on the evening. Zac wouldn’t soon forget me, nor would my memory of this night fade.

  I don’t know if this is what I had in mind or not. However, this was only my second first date that went wrong. Who knows what the next experience held in store for me? It must go up from here. I could only hope.

  We completed our meal without further incident. I noticed a few patrons glancing at me with naughty grins, and a few times, Jenny wouldn’t look me in the eye without holding a napkin over her mouth to stifle the giggles. A man at the table across from us, winked at me each time I looked across the aisle.

  What is that about?

  It came time for us to leave. Zac helped me from my chair and offered me his elbow as he walked me toward the door where we entered. When we passed the man, who kept winking at me, I was tempted to smack him on the back of the head. Instead, I gave him a disinterested smile, hoping he would wonder what it meant.

  Zac walked me to the door of my car and helped me inside. He leaned down and said, “I had a great time. I’d like to see you again after I get settled. If you want to go fishing, we can get the gear you’ll need.”

  “I’m glad you had a good time. I’ll have to think about going fishing when the time comes and let you know how I feel. I’m embarrassed I ruined your evening and pants. I’ll pay to have your pants cleaned.”

  “No. No, I think you have done quite enough for me on this one date,” Zac said. “I have a feeling I owe you something in return because I wasn’t prepared to meet someone like you.” His grin caused his eyes to twinkle. “I had hoped John would give me a warm welcome, but I think you gave me the warmest welcome any man could ask for. Thanks. I owe you at least one. This has been the best blind date ever. Goodnight, Miss Stella Bradford.”

  He smiled and winked as I blushed to the roots of my hair.

  “Thank you for being so kind, despite my spilling things,” I said. “Welcome to Junction City. I really hope things get better for you. Good luck with your new job. I hope to see you again sometime. Goodnight.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  I made my way to my apartment with my tail between my legs, so to speak. Suspecting that I’d never see Zac again, I found myself becoming depressed because I did have a great time despite all that happened to make it an unfortunate fiasco. Zac even said he had a good time and wanted to see me when he became settled
in his new home and job. I had my doubts he had told me the truth, and my inner being feared to see him again.

  Maybe, there was hope for the future. Who knows with the world being so crazy, anything can happen? Do I really want to see the man ever again? Could he survive a redo of tonight’s debacle? Still, I questioned his desire to see me again

  Is it possible that I’m a jinx on dates? I only had my first time to compare with my blind date with Zac. It just didn’t compare. At least, on my first date, I didn’t arouse my friend by rubbing his private parts vigorously with a cloth dipped in ice water. However, due to adult experience, I believe the young man was very much aroused when he watched me squeeze my boobs frequently during that night so long ago.

  No, I didn’t touch him, but I just kept holding my breast to get the infernal foam rubber cups to make a nice rounded look. Maybe, this is how my life would be, never-ending first dates. First, I touch myself excessively through no fault of my own, and secondly, I overly felt up a stranger, related to my clumsiness.

  I didn’t think about the times my dates were good. After all, I did find a man to marry

  me. So somewhere, I did something right at some point as I became acquainted with a guy. After much consideration, I found I had no recollection of my actions with past encounters with the opposite sex. If there was a clue to find, I could mimic the process now. All I recollected was I fell in love, and my memory went right out the door in the thrill of the moment.

  As I drove down the street my mind went to comfort food, would it be good for me to stop by the local market for a pint of Rocky Road ice cream to ease my pain from the unfortunate Friday night? Maybe it will help me forget the humiliation in the sugary, rich, creamy, chocolatey goodness found in the container of the icy dessert.

  It can’t hurt. I decided.

  The store didn’t carry the flavor I desired, so I had to settle for the next best thing, plain chocolate. I hoped against hope that this wasn’t an omen, my having to settle for second best.